so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Randomize
