I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
