You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
