I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
The air was thick with penises
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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