turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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