Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
