apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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