I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
