Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
