Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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