I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
