Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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