wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I am available for nakedness
Randomize
