I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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