Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
