What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
