I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
