I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
