I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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