I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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