her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Pants are for mortals
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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