I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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