I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
