Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
