he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
