turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
