the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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