Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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