Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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