I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
