I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
