shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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