i'm signing you up for texting rehab
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
