True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
