I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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