Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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