so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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