Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
