apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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