Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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