Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
