Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
