Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
