Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
