Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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