My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
