I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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