im gay
i know
yea but for you.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
