I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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