Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
